Remembering yourself

Adulthood is weird. Or maybe I've made it weird for myself because, in order to compete in my chosen career field, I've had to compromise most of what makes me myself.


Damn that was a weird, passive aggressive, off topic start wasn't it? Let me reset. A couple of days ago, as I was driving to work, I was struck by a brief yet beautiful second in which the smell of the air was pregnant with all of the possibilities of life. An iota of time in which I was blissfully reminded of my childhood and how, as a young person, I was too innocent and unaware of the fact that people apparently needed to be stressed in order to function. A reminder that, inherent in our lives is the intrinsic desire to just be satisfied and happy.


In that moment I was struck by the absolute beauty of the world around me; the euphoria of the moment driven by the intoxicating scents on the air, the dappling of sun spots dancing across the hood of my car, the raw power of the mountains in the distance dwarfing everything around them, and a triggering of memory so strong and beautiful it brought a tear to my eye. In that extremely short moment there resonated in me a juxtaposition of immeasurable joy and intense grief. I wept for the guy I used to be.


Why did this magnificent instance drive me to tears? It reminded me in the most existential way possible that I miss me.


Anyone know what I mean?


Can any of you relate?


I miss myself. I seem to have bogged myself down in all the societal trappings of "adulthood"; bogged myself so far down that I think I've started drowning. I've learned to put so much emphasis on what others think of me instead of being proud of who I really am. I've allowed the world to mold me instead of molding the world around the vision I have of myself. In that moment I remembered who I truly am. It made me realize I've compromised so much of who I am because I thought it was necessary to succeed in life.


I periodically catch glimpses of who/how I used to be/exist and I have been having difficulty rectifying that with the man I am now.


In that moment, I made a promise to myself. I promised to bring my true self back to the forefront of my life. I promised to put more emphasis back on what makes me uniquely me. I promised to focus more on personal happiness than the pursuit of material happiness. Shouldn't that be what life is all about?

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